Goodnight 🐶
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17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
What’s the difference between snowmen and snowladies ? Snowballs
My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
Steve Buscemi is the only reported case of the saying “If you keep making that face, it’s going to get stuck that way” being true.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
coworker: did you hear someone used all the charity money to buy snacks from the vending machine
me: *laughing nervously* that’s awful