Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.
Batman: We also poop.
CG: We?
B: They. I mean they
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Me: and from this day I vow never to rest until vengeance is paid and justice pours down like the blood of our enemies
Priest: uh— th—the bride has also written her vows
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Good Will Hunting (2018): Dystopian movie about a near future in which everyone with an ounce of good will is mercilessly hunted and killed.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
If anyone out there is named Aesop dear god please open a table store I have just the name for you.
Someone should probably go check on Steve.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
Who even sits in the middle on a sofa? Just buy corners and be done
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[trying to make friends as an adult]
May I interest you in tolerating me for a moment
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
My daughters persistence is one of her greatest qualities and it will serve her well in the future, I just hope it doesn’t kill me first.
Chamomile tea makes chamomile pee.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
“Taking a perfect selfie is just a matter of perfect lighting and applying the right filter”
*puts sheet over head*
*turns off light*
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
I can’t believe we live in a world where people actually pay money to run in a race.
Pay me $50 and I’ll make your life a living hell for an afternoon without the cardio.
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
You never hear about Aztec women complaining about being left at the altar in the old days.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.