Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
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78 just had a pacemaker implanted & now he reckons he’s a cyborg. I told him he needs more replacements to qualify…
I’m no longer his favourite kid.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
MARATHON RUNNER: [breaks through ribbon at finish line]
GUY WHO LOVES MARATHONS: Hooray
GUY WHO LOVES RIBBONS: What the shit
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
ME: When I die, I want to be cremated.
GLOBAL WARMING: Let me save you a step.
I like having multiple children because that way if one doesn’t happen to be screaming there’s always another around to pick up the slack.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
People really don’t fall in wells like they used to.
ME: *enters password*
COMPUTER: Weak and insecure
ME: No it’s not
COMPUTER: Sorry, I was talking about you. Yeah, the password’s fine
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
I’m not saying I have a drinking problem I’m proving it.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
And in today’s episode of “Why is your toddler crying?”:
It’s “the balloon exploded without asking for permission”
The brake is on the left, the gas peddle is on the right, & the liquor store is 4 miles ahead.
-Me teaching my 3yr old niece how to drive
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow