I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
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they really said video games would melt our brains when it was actually watching the news that did it
Is there a college degree for opening a new box of cereal in the pantry before the old box of the same brand is finished? If so, that’s going to be my daughter’s major.
Clarissa didn’t explain this at all
If I accidentally put a live scorpion in my mouth and chewed on it, am I going to die? Don’t ask how that happened….but my tongue is numb.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Zoom / MS Teams calls are the best places to see miracles happening.
Someone gets disconnected and everyone pronounces, ‘I think we lost her.’
Then they rejoin and say, ‘Hey, I’m back.’
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Everyone hates big pharma until they have a headache.
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Remembering the time my science teacher couldn’t detect my heartbeat and got angry at me as though I was deliberately withholding my pulse to bolster my goth credentials.
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
No one is born racist. Racism is taught. By other races.
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
We like the way Dwight thinks
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Really want to try out a career in tracing, or something along those lines.
[job interview]
Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?
“Yes”
WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.