Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
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nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I’m very clumsy
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
Me: I will never work for my boss again…
She: Why? What did he say to you??
Me: ‘You are Fired’
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Me: No one told me raising a baby would be sooo hard 😰
My baby:
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
incredible
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?