Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
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kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
*on deathbed*
“Son u were *cough* ado-”
“Dad? I was adopted?!”
“A dot of misery on my otherwise happy life. I don’t know why we adopted u.”
Me: You’re cleaning out the basement?
Her: Yes I am decluttering my life. I have a new rule: If I haven’t used it in 3 months, I’m getting rid of it.
Me: I guess I’ll be packing my bags then.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
“This sausage tastes funny.”
“Funny how? Like it’s made from a clown? Because it’s not. It’s absolutely not clown sausage.”
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
interviewer: how would u describe yourself
me: unemployed
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
58.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
‘If you call me from a Private number… I’ll respect your Privacy and won’t answer.’ 💥
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*