my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
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kids these days don’t know but it’s mad how many CD-Rs we were all burning 20 years ago. you’d usually get in a couple before breakfast, ideally nip home at lunch for a quick one, kick back in the evening burning a few and then wake up multiple times a night to insert fresh discs
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
With literally no way of knowing if you were cursed by an evil witch as a baby, why would you take a spinning class?
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
I wish this was real life…
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
My cat had been housebound for two weeks after beating up another cat in that cat’s house. I let her out yesterday just to see if she was ready to be a law abiding citizen. She went straight to go beat up that cat again 🙃 she’s back inside indefinitely
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Yes, people avoid me, but I’m sure it’s because they’re jealous of my wonderful snakes
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
*doorbell rings, I open door*
Alien: Hi! Do you have a moment so I can teach you highly advanced life skills that will save your species?
Me: Yes! My vacuum is making a funny noise. Could you look at it?
Alien calls back to mothership: Can’t I just vaporize her?
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
My wife screamed “you haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said, have you?!
I was taken aback….what a weird way to start a conversation.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s