Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
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Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
Signed up for the gym because I heard about leg day and hoped I’d pick up a new leg. But all that happened was that it made my remaining leg ache for two days.
We’ve all been there
Some days driving is like Russian roulette, but with squirrels.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.