[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
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Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
It’s amazing to me that blink-182 missed a big opportunity to market their own moisturizing eye drops.
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
I hate it when genies exploit your poor choice of wording to fulfill your wish in a way you don’t actually want, like dude, you know what I meant.
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I’m really not sure how many times I’ll search for my phone with the flashlight on my phone before I realize I’m an idiot….
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Cop: So, I’m writing a ticket for driving alone in the car pool lane.
Me: You’re going to feel really stupid when you look in my trunk.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
my only hobby is seeing how close i can get to squirrels before they run away