The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
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(Invention of the necktie)
I can’t figure out how to tie this silk noose. Looks like I’ll have to go to the dinner party after all.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.
FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.
ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: I know exactly what’s wrong with me, Doctor.
Dr: I told you no Google. You Googled, didn’t you?
Me: NO!
Dr: <blink>
Me: One TINY Google.
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
Me: Are you in a bad mood?
Wife: What? No.
Me: You sure?
Wife: I’m sure.
Me: You’re cranky.
Wife: I’m not cranky.
Me: Everything okay?
Wife: OMG. Yes.
Me: Because you seem like you’re in a bad mood.
Wife: OMFG NOW I AM IN A BAD MOOD.
Me:
Wife:
Me: I knew it.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle online with a 14 year old boy.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.