Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
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I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
marvel comics have peaked
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
I purposely bought a small house so I could say “I’m sorry, I don’t have any room”
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: How much for the Bohemian golf ball?
Clerk: That’s an egg.
her: why are u breaking up with me
me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
Sorry dinner is so late, honey. I accidentally bought individually wrapped rice again.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram