[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
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do u think theres a butter planet?
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Husband: *snoring*
It’s like he’s trying to tell me something
*snoring*
What is it boy?
*snoring intensifies*
Timmy’s stuck in a well?
If you ever find yourself drowning in a pool of egg whites and sugar, simply keep thrashing until you’re resting comfortably on a pillow of meringue.
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
Paper jam is the least delicious of all preserves.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!