Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
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God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Thrilling chase underway
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
ME: How was the date?
FRIEND: Uncomfortable. She mentioned that her last boyfriend died repeatedly.
ME: So he’s like a Highlander or something?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
It’s funny how my doorbell starts working when I’m expecting a pizza delivery.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
My 7YO is either very shy in front of people, or she’s already given them our social security numbers
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Why do they call it “delivering” a baby? If I have to drive to the hospital and then take the baby home, it’s not delivery, it’s baby takeout.