Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
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Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
H: Why do you always wear your hair in a ponytail?
Me: I can’t afford a face lift.
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
And YOU get a vegetable pod!
~ The Okra Show
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
Claiming that someone else’s marriage is against ur religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because ur on a diet.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
I’m sorry you’re breaking up [static sound] I’m about to go through a tunnel.
Dad, we’re right in front of you
Uh….. go ask your mom.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok