Me trying to make small talk with my new co-workers
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[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room
4-year-old: Why do my hands taste funny?
Me: I don’t know. Go wash them.
4: Don’t you want to taste them first?
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Her: You sure love to beat people over the head with your vocabulary, don’t you?
Me: I think the word you’re looking for is “bludgeon.”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Our neighbors have little kids, so they hosted a “New Year in London” party
They dressed up, played croquet on the front lawn, watched a livestream from London, and were done by 6:30pm central 😂
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
I know it’s so bad but all the other restaurant names were taken. Anyways welcome to Feastiality can I get you guys started on some drinks
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
Baking is just science you can eat.
[clown cleaning shower]
MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.
[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
I was wearing a jean jacket yesterday and a little kid asked me why I made a jacket out of pants and I had no good answer for him
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!