Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
You Might Also Like
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Me: You’re such a good boy.
Dog: *tail wagging* Please leave the room so I can eat the couch.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.