I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
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I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Those are not the screams of an animal caught in a bear trap, they’re the bleatings of a dog banished to the back yard and rendering her unable to run assist with the repairman.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Academic paper protip:
end your Conclusion section with
“just as the old woman in the forest predicted”
or
“in defiance of the prophecies”
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Its really disgusting how other white people dont even know about the plight of [quickly wikipedias “Who is having alot of plight 2012]
I’ve reached a fork in the road, thank heavens it was laying right next to a pan of lasagna.
Sometimes I regret teaching my children an evidence-based approach to life #FathersDay
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
#dalle2
If someone doesn’t reply to my text I can only assume they have fallen down a well and will get back to me as soon as they can
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Ocean’s Eleven? Ummmm I’m pretty sure it’s a little older than that. Who is this idiot?
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Me: I’d like a raspberry margarita.
Waitress: Do you want sugar on your rim?
Me:
Waitress:
Me: [looking nervously at my wife]
Wife: OMG SHE IS TALKING ABOUT THE DRINK