I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
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[2016]
*gets rescue dog with the idea that I will excercise more*
[2017]
*dog now also fat*
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
A horse, a penguin and a chimp walked into a bar and that’s when I realised I was drunk.
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
[Entering a dark forest]
“Listen. That’s the banshee wailing. One of us may not make it home alive.”
“Keening.”
“What?”
“Banshees keen.”
“You go first.”
“Dammit.”
A naked man brushed his teeth next to me as I washed my hands. This is why I don’t go to the gym often.
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
San Andreas is just like Godzilla only Godzilla is invisible
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I don’t believe in gender equality because there are just some things I’m not meant to do. Like be the sane one in a relationship.
Million-dollar idea:
Upload your podcast to YouTube, but with a video of a generic-looking Zoom meeting, so people can tune in and pretend they’re working. It looks like important quarterly sales stuff, but it’s really The True Crime Murder And Makeup Tips Hour.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years