[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
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Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
Your gene pool should be drained, the area bleached & the ground burned & salted. But other than that you seem like a great person.
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Found out it’s $3000 to get laser eye surgery and $300 to get laser hair removal so I’m just gonna get the hair removal on my eyebrows and scootch up a bit when they start.
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)
Every time I open my mouth, some idiot starts talking.
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Someone please help me convince my boyfriend to hire people to paint the inside of his house instead of doing it ourselves we’re only 80% of the way through one room and I’m already thinking about how I can fake my own death and move to an island until it’s over
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
I’m not sure if this woman in the Starbucks line ahead of me is ordering a drink or casting a spell.