Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 馃檪
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Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
DOMINO鈥橲 PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
If by swimmer’s body you mean one who swims mouth agape through infinite oceans of butterscotch pudding then yes, I have a swimmer’s body.
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day
Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer
馃幎99 sheets of TP on the roll
99 sheets of TP,
You take one down,
Make it all brown,
98 sheets of TP on the roll.
98 sheets of TP on-馃幎Wife [outside bathroom door]: PLEASE STOP SINGING
*sprinkles gummy bears on a caesar salad*
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don鈥檛 remember how to do that
12: If you don鈥檛 remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
One man’s trash is another man’s why the f*** is your trash in my yard.
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
If you haven鈥檛 manipulated your kids into calling grandma to ask to sleep over, you鈥檙e missing out on a crucial parenting hack.
I鈥檒l never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I鈥檒l Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
[first day as Uber driver]
Me: any song requests?
Passenger: no thanks
Me: *tuning guitar* you sure?
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first
Being goth is hard. The curse on your boss is not working. Ravens are impossible to train. Deodorant marks on your black clothes. Ugh.