humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
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Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
I wonder if a murderer has ever crossed my path, contemplated murdering me, and then thought “nah”.
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that
[first date]
ME:
HIM:
*20 minutes later*
ME: how about we text each other
HIM: *already typing*
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?
There’s a bird in the yard and she’s shaking her tail feathers in hope of attracting a mate. HE SHOULD LOVE YOU FOR YOUR BRAIN, I yell.
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
same vibe as tangled headphones
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.