just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
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Christian politicians hate science because they think it’s always talking about two Adams bonding
[jogging]
brain: let’s talk shall we
me: ok
brain: are we being chased
me: no
brain: are we chasing something
me: no
brain: so wtf are we doing then
heart & lungs: we also have questions
My favorite female superhero
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
what kind of cook setting is this??
people will criticize your dreams. “you can’t marry the moon.” “being sad is not a real job.” “stop summoning the devil.” ignore them. be real. be yourself. start a cult.
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Sesame Street has been on the air since 1969. Working with kids that long, it’s no wonder Cookie Monster is an addict & Oscar is a grouch.
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
how it started vs how it ended
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
SPLOOT
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.