KID:I drew you a picture!
ME:What’s this?
KID:Our house.
ME:What’s the orange stuff?
KID:Fire.
ME:Why’s the house on fire?
KID:I wanna PS4.
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I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
back to work
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate
bob: karen!
god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please
4: mama, I lost my pet rock. I need it. you HAVE to find it!
me: well, where did you have it last?
4: outside
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 😂
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Well of course the supermassive black hole that will eventually annihilate our galaxy is a Sagittarius.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.