peter parker, bitten by radio-active spider: *donates $65 to NPR*
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Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
I’ll do anything for you as long as I don’t have to get out of this chair.
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
they finally got him. they got macavity
My daughter just found the dog leash and collar
Which would be less awkward to explain if we actually had a dog
Her: If your goal was to piss me off today then congratulations
Me: That’s ridiculous. My goal was just to be congratulated for something.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Setting my alarm for 3am.
Going to text this to a coworker and go back to bed until 6.
Then we’ll be even.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Twitter is cool because you can sit in your underwear and talk to friends and if you try that in real life you will no longer be allowed within 500 feet of ANY Starbucks
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
MAR 14: Pi Day
MAR 15: Ides of March
MAR 17: St. Patrick’s DayMAR 16: middle child, left out as usual
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
Me: I’m not petty.
Also me: Gives the kid who is mean to my kid yellow gatorade after the soccer game.
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER:
When fans used to race in to get the winners golf ball
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.