if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
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Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
I know everyone’s like “the only way to kill Dracula is a stake through the heart” but in modern times I think we should at least try hitting him with a very fast car
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
[emptying dishwasher]
HOW IN THE HELL DO I FIT ALL THESE COFFEE CUPS IN THE CABINET
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
When the Olympics finally introduces the event “Dropping your phone and very nearly catching it but not quite” then you’ll all see me shine.
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time