why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
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i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
No I can’t go questing today my squire has midterms.
wtf is this choreography 😭😭😭
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
Turns out my parenting style is more “Disney villain” and less “Disney princess.”
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
Aragorn: If I can protect you, I will. You have my sword
Legolas: And you have my bow
Gimli: and my axe
Steve: and my 439 Twitter followers
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.