Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
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Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
I am laughing way too hard at this.
HEY UNCLES – KEEP YOUR GODDAMN WIVES UNDER CONTROL
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
I used to be able to eat whatever I wanted without gaining weight. Now I pick up a fork and gain seven pounds.
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
*pulls lighter from bra*
*lights smoke*Where’s the shit you made me at school?
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
When transporting a hot cup of coffee from the microwave, I highly recommend not sneezing.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
*Googles “exercise apps for lazy people”*
*Downloads five apps*
That should do it for today.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever