Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
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Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
How did we not see this back then?
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
My kids can’t find any clean clothes because they packed them all for a trip. We leave in 5 weeks
We need more people like this.
Cat.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
From now on when people forcefully show me pictures of their baby, I’m simply going to reply, “Hmm… I’ve seen better.”
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
When I go shopping I like to buy condoms and cat food at the same time just to confuse the cashier.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.