People who argue in public, would it kill you to enunciate and give a little backstory?
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[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew
me: did I tell you I started a new diet today
teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
While the Americans are in a food coma, we should switch Twitter and Facebook displays around. Give their hearts a jumpstart.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
[job interview]
willy wonka: what experience do you have hiding bodies
oompa loompa: i’m sorry i was told this was for a factory position
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
Welcome to adulthood.
Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event