Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
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Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
If they cause you to have anxiety & panic attacks the majority of your relationship, move on.
In related news, I just broke up with my mom
Autocorrect completely socks
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Only God can judge me.
*gets hit by lightning*
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
The cops are here, Uncle Dave. Last chance to peacefully return my nose
7YR OLD: daddy, I don’t want to go to bed, it’s still light outside
ME: [explains daylight savings time]
7: that’s the dumbest shit I’ve ever heard.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
an alarm clock that repeatedly & loudly makes the sound of a windshield wiper going across a windshield that is not completely wet
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
Computer keyboards should have a removable crumb tray, like toaster ovens.
Once I started pronouncing baseline like Vaseline things just really fell into place for me.
*puts lips to microphone*
Microphone: I have a headache
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
Instead of a jar to collect change for vacation, I’m going to start one for bail money, for when it flip out on stupid people in public.