Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
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COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
⭐☆☆☆☆
Gonna celebrate this weekend by flinging hundreds of frisbees onto my neighbors roofs
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
Robert Pattinson can play Batman but Christian Bale could never play Edward Cullen
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time
Toddler: I WANNA HELP!
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: “Mphh mophh wampph.”
T: Again, this works better if you don’t lie face down on the couch.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
I’ve got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
[having a discussion]
BF: don’t make me keep talking I will only make it worse
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.