Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
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My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.
[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
singer at concert: *says name of city we’re in*
me: that’s the name of the city we’re in!
friend: it is good to hear the name of our city!
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
as is their right
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
Friend: Call me when you wake up
[3 days later]
Me: Okay I’m up!
Jesus’s ability to reheat food is a bigger question than his status as a deity……..
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
me: [tells joke]
son: I don’t get it
me: well ur mom told me a joke once and it took me 9 months to get it
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby