Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
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One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”
– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
At what point is a salad no longer a salad based on how much bacon I add?
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
When in doubt…
1) Tweet about sex.
2) Tweet about food.
3) Tweet about sex & food.
4) Tweet about sex WITH food.
5) Make lists.
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
[being murdered]
me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?
I falcon love using swear birds
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
Personally cannot wait to get microchipped, why should my dog be the only who who benefits from this technology