I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
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Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
Seriously considering commissioning a family portrait photo and getting the photographer to photoshop all our faces slightly too small. Enough to be disconcerting, but not enough for guests to feel comfortable mentioning it.
[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
Practice self-care like Medusa, take care of your hair & turn everyone who has wronged you into stone.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
I’m scared of buying an iPhone X cos there’s a chance mine might get swapped with Brad Pitt’s and since we look 100% alike he can unlock it
Me *with my dying breath*: Tell my wife I like like her
FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?
BUBBA: sherwood forest
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.