I bet Columbus was super pissed when he rolled up in the Santa María only to find Dora had already explored America.
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[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
lost dog
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
I’ve accidentally set up push notifications for the BBC science magazine and it’s like being followed about by an inquisitive but annoying child
I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
“What are you typing? Let me guess. Oh wait, stop right there, I know what it is. It’s not that? Okay wait.. I know it, I know it!” -Google.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?