Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
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I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Feed a cold.
2) Starve a fever.
3) Make fever watch cold eat.
4) Tell cold he’s a good boy.
5) Look at fever with disdain.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Boss: How were your weekends?
Steve: I coached my son’s soccer team
Alice: I helped friends move and volunteered at an animal shelter
Me: I dreamed my clothes were made of peanut butter and jelly
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Builder: The developer just called and told us not to install the bidets.
Contractor: What are we supposed to do with all these bidets?
Builder: We’ll just take it bidet by bidet.
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them, coincidence, I think not.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
me after eating Cheetos
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
Diet tip: If you think you’re hungry, you might just be thirsty. Have a bottle of wine first and then see how you feel.
Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…
So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
Tequila bottles should come with a warning label saying “ may cause unexpected child support payments”
If I can’t use finger puppets during my acceptance speech, then you can keep your Oscar.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Me: I’d like to adopt that baby.
Clerk: Sir, that’s a family sized
platter of Super Nachos.