My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
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the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
Watched The Tinder Swindler a few weeks back, now watching Bad Vegan. The most puzzling thing is why do these women just give these men their money? Is this a thing you do if you have money? I would never give a man money. If the cashier at the store is a man I simply do not pay.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Sending in my taxes
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
[date]
me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?
her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?
me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?
*awkward silence*
me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me
Surgeon: I can’t find the clot
Wife: *from gallery* oh BIG surprise
I spilt glue on my autobiography & then accidentally sat on it. Anyway, that’s my story & I’m sticking to it.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
I parent like I dance. Badly but with enthusiasm.