You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
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interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
[ME]: *pointing up to the sky writer plane* it’s a message for you babe
[GF]: oh how romantic
[SKYWRITER]: KATE WILL YOU MA-
[GF]: omg yes i wi-
[ME]: wait keep watching
[SKYWRITER]: -KE SURE TO BUY THE NAME BRAND COCOA PUFFS NEXT TIME LIKE I ASKED YOU IDIOT
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
HR said I have to stop yelling “let’s make a baby” every time I want to collaborate on a project with someone.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
How to make infinite energy.
We should be able take jets and tanks and stuff whenever we want, we paid for them
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
I finally mustard up the confidence to pepper you with condiments. I’ve been relishing the thought of a romantic ketchup. I mayo be out of line, but I don’t want to live with vinaigrettes. Tartar for now, honey! XO
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
My 8 year old daughter is either sick and needs constant care or she’s ready to move out and start her life. There’s no in between.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Dog: *sniffing tree for a long time*
Me: What was that all about?
Dog: “Urine: A Novel,” by Spot. I enjoyed it. Well-paced, interesting plot, good character development.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.