Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
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[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
them: your tweet is missing a word
me: it’s missing a bunch, do you have any idea how many words there are?
At a red light:
Me: *turns to face car next to me*
*rolls down window*
Guy: *looks*
Me: *loudly sings song*
*dances*
G: *panicked look*
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
That’s no pocket rocket.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
“Where was you at?”
I was probably not skipping English class.
I put in an order at a deli. The woman helping me had a name tag that said “Kate.” While she was getting my food, another employee bumped into her. I said “Be careful. She’s very Deli Kate.”
They stared at me like I’d grown a second head. Well I thought it was funny…
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Job interviewer: Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Next to my high school yearbook photo it said “Most Likely To Fold Under Pressure”. In your face, haters! I SUCK at timed origami contests.
Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
The happy life.. 😊