At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
It’s 2035:
By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
THEM: You can’t go wrong with this recipe.
ME: Watch me.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
I asked my 5yo not to do something, and he just smiled maniacally and nodded his head until I gave up. I’m going to try this on my wife.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
#StillHurts
We found love in a hopeless place.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Everyone on this website is always like, “Eat the rich,” but then Carol Baskin feeds her millionaire husband to a tiger and it’s a problem, hypocrites
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
The worst thing you can put in your body is carbs. Or maybe a knife.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.