*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
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[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
gf: its over I can’t be with someone so cheap with such a bad temper
me: arghhh *grabs lamp and places it on it’s side against the wall*
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
When you’re eating chips and dip there’s always the search for the “strong” chip to head into the dip to save the broken, weaker chips dying in the dip.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
[meeting Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson at Comic-Con]
THE ROCK: You want me to autograph your jar of pickles?
ME: What? No, I want you to open it for me.
Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.
[magic show]
MAGICIAN {fanning out deck of cards}: Pick a card, any card…
ME: Your VISA card
MAGICIAN: God dammit!
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.