Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
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Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
All I’m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
[my funeral service]
my widow: he will surely be remembered for being such a terrible liar who faked his own death several times..aaand there he is at the back in the stupid big hat. i’d like to apologise to everyone here once again
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t