The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
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I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Oh we’ve met.
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.