Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
You Might Also Like
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Got thrown out of the theater during the Superman movie but was able to sneak back in by putting on glasses.
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
[America’s Got Talent]
Howie: so how long have you been juggling chainsaws?
Me: actually *lights them on fire* this will be my first time
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Babe, you’re just perfect for me
Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
TUPAC IS DEAD
BIGGIE IS DEAD
AND ME ALSO I AM FEELING NOT SO GOOD
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
Make someone’s head explode by accusing them of being in denial, then nodding condescendingly as they try to deny it.
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
honestly, i need both:
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.