Damn, i got hit with the “we need to talk” from my wife. Thank God it was just about divorce. I was scared shitless it was an intervention.
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Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Ideas for getting more exercise:
– Move the biscuits farther away
– Buy a heavier kettle
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
*cops finds my loose floorboard*
Cop: What’s under here…
*they discover a lifetime supply of hot pockets*
Me: I’d like my lawyer now.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
if you eat your burrito over a tortilla, anything that falls out will simply start building your next burrito
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
That’s what I call a flat tire