took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
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date: I love a man who’s self aware
me: I’m honestly below average looking and pretty boring
date: *gets super turned on*
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
My kid keeps asking why we don’t decorate outside for Halloween and I’m tempted to buy a bunch of posterboard and just write the scariest things I can think of on it….like “daycare is calling you at work right before a big presentation,” or “Check Engine light comes on”.
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
I babysat for the first time and it was just non-stop screaming. Next time I’ll look before I lie down on the couch.
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
Movie where someone thinks they’re a ghost and the plot twist is they were alive the whole time
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“I feel your pane”- Guy walking into your window.
Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
*names my little horse OneTrick*
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
GIRL: l’m tired of bad boys and their bs. I want a good boy, for a change.
ME [clearly a golden retriever]: *turns to camera and winks*
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
instead of a movie based on a book, they should make a movie based on two books, like The Babysitters Fight Club
I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
A man at a cemetery for Titanic victims claims to have taken a photo of a ghost. The ghost reportedly said “there was room for two people.”
doctor: do you have 3 regular meals or 5 small meals a day?
me: I eat every 30 minutes to ensure nobody can ever make me swim
This salad isn’t going to toss itself. *winks*
– Things you shouldn’t say as you pass food around the Thanksgiving table 🙁
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.