I hate the number 7 like “ohh look at me I’m all prime and lucky ohhhh”. You’re just a wonky 1, grow up already
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Her: Wanna make a baby with me?
Dr. Frankenstein: Hell yes.
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
me: your wife’s surgery was a success
him: great. *pulls me aside* so how long until we can have sex?
me: *shrug* I’m free whenever
Don’t have a nemesis? Make one. Key a stranger’s car. Start whistling in a theater. Sign up a coworker for mailing lists. Make life exciting
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
her: [during sex] call me names
me: [panicking] optimus prime
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
“Camping” – noun:
when you create a late night picnic for the hungry animals in a field with you being the meaty snack
#NoRestForTheWicked
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Welcome to Flavourtown I’m Gouy Fieouri
Psssst. You guys. When Canada is sleeping we should sneak up there and remove the all the U keys from their keyboards.
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
So true for me
Whenever I read a sexual tweet I already know the “not you” is implied.
why are they called stepfathers and not faux pas
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
The days of good grammer has went
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30