I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
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Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment
super villain: no
contractor: right, should鈥檝e seen that coming
[Battleship: Guilt Edition]
Friend: B6
Me: You sunk my Battleship
Friend: Hah yes!
Me: But 70 people were on the ship. They had children
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That鈥檚 bulls.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* 鈥o YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
boss: i鈥檓 always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that鈥檚 a low bar.. but thank you.
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
I鈥檝e been learning to cook.
Anyone else ever wondered how long it would take a giraffe to throw up ?
A N U S
B U T T
M U F F
~ My reply when the optometrist asks me to read the lower lines, regardless of what I see
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 馃槶
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet鈥檚 name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother鈥檚 maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren鈥檛 able to hack into my email account.
My kids are gonna give me a god damn heart attack
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.