Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
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My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
uh oh
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
[driving]
Me: I don’t know where we are.
3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.
My 3yo laughed and said look at this really funny picture of you Dad!
Then he held up my driver’s license
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
“Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
My ex is such a loser that if there was a competition for the world’s biggest loser, he’d still only win 2nd place.
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
Thoughts that keep me awake….
why don’t flamingos have one really muscley leg?
*this tweet is brought to you by rum…*
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
why would tinder want me to say this
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing