That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
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Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
Bad guys in the 80s all had helicopters. If you saw a chopper in the sky it was either a news copter or a greasy bad guy trying to kill Michael Knight.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
A dad and his duck
I have questions??
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
Romantically smoking a postcoital cigar from both ends with your lover like in Lady and The Tramp
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
My husband told me today’s Wordle word as soon as I woke up, so he’s up for grabs if anyone’s interested.
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
I had an irrational fear of bees until I saw My Girl and it became rational.
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
the fbi, studying my kidnapper’s proof of life photo of me, notice a morse code message of mustard stains across the front of my shirt that says: ‘we’re out of mustard’
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden